Blog Post 2: The Art of Active Listening in All Relationships

I'm walking the Camino del Norte so I've created this weekly series on relationships for while I am in Spain. I hope you find it valuable.

Why We Think We're Listening (But We're Really Not)

Most of us believe we're good listeners, but honest self-reflection reveals a different story. During conversations, especially difficult ones, we're often mentally preparing our response, getting triggered by what we think we heard, or simply waiting for our turn to talk.

This happens in every type of relationship. The parent who's already formulating consequences while their child tries to explain what happened. The colleague who's building their counterargument while their teammate shares concerns. The friend who's thinking about similar experiences they've had instead of truly hearing what's being shared.

Real listening - what psychologists call active listening - is fundamentally different. It's about truly receiving another person's experience, even when it challenges our own perspective.

The Three Components of Active Listening

Reflective Listening means repeating back what you've heard to ensure understanding. "So what I'm hearing is that when I interrupted you during the meeting, you felt dismissed because your ideas weren't being heard. Is that right?" This isn't about agreeing or disagreeing - it's about making sure the other person feels understood.

Staying Curious, Not Defensive requires shifting from self-protection to genuine inquiry. When someone shares something that stings, resist the urge to explain or justify. Instead, ask questions: "Can you help me understand what that feels like for you?" or "What would be most helpful from me in those moments?"

Validating Emotions Without Agreeing on Facts allows you to acknowledge someone's emotional experience as real and important without necessarily agreeing with their interpretation. You can say, "I can see how frustrated you are about this" without saying "You're right to be frustrated."

Active Listening in Different Contexts

In family relationships, active listening might mean truly hearing your teenager's perspective on household rules without immediately defending your position. In workplace relationships, it could involve understanding a colleague's concerns about project timelines without rushing to explain why the deadline can't change. In friendships, it might mean sitting with a friend's difficult emotions without trying to fix or minimise their experience.

The Profound Impact of Feeling Heard

When people feel genuinely heard, something remarkable happens. Defensiveness melts away. Emotions regulate. The conversation shifts from adversarial to collaborative. The goal of active listening isn't to solve problems immediately - it's to create understanding that makes problem-solving possible.

Remember, the goal isn't to become a perfect listener overnight. It's to gradually develop the capacity to truly receive others' experiences, which creates the foundation for stronger, more resilient relationships across all areas of life.

Want to master the art of active listening? SM Advisory offers personalised coaching to help you develop communication skills that transform your relationships. Whether you're navigating family dynamics, workplace challenges, or social connections, we can help you become the listener others need. Get in touch today.