Blog Post 5: Breaking Free from Destructive Relationship Patterns

I'm walking the Camino del Norte so I've created this weekly series on relationships for while I am in Spain. I hope you find it valuable.

The Dance We Keep Dancing

Every relationship has patterns - predictable sequences of interaction that play out repeatedly. Some patterns strengthen connection and understanding. Others trap us in cycles of frustration, misunderstanding, and emotional distance.

Perhaps you recognise this pattern in your family: one person raises a concern, another becomes defensive, the first person pushes harder, the second person withdraws, and everyone ends up feeling disconnected and misunderstood. Or maybe you've noticed this workplace dynamic: when pressure increases, some team members become controlling whilst others become passive, leading to resentment and decreased productivity.

These patterns aren't character flaws - they're learned responses that once served a purpose but now create the very problems they were designed to solve. The encouraging news is that patterns can be changed, and when you change one pattern, it often creates positive ripple effects throughout the relationship.

Recognising Your Patterns

Pattern recognition requires stepping back and observing your relationship dynamics with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask yourself:

What typically triggers conflict in this relationship? Is it time pressure, feeling unheard, competing priorities, or something else?

How do you typically respond when tension arises? Do you become more controlling, withdraw, get defensive, or try to fix things immediately?

How does the other person typically respond? Do they shut down, fight back, become passive-aggressive, or something else?

Where does the pattern usually end up? Are you both frustrated and distant? Does one person give in whilst harbouring resentment? Does the issue get avoided entirely?

The Power of Pattern Interruption

Once you can recognise your patterns, you gain the power to interrupt them. This might mean taking a break when you notice the familiar sequence beginning, or having a code word that signals "I think we're falling into our old pattern right now."

In family relationships, pattern interruption might sound like: "I notice we're starting to do that thing where I get pushy and you get quiet. Can we try a different approach?" In workplace settings, it could be: "I can feel us getting into our usual dynamic where the pressure makes me micromanage and you disengage. Let's step back and figure out a better way forward."

The key is catching the pattern early, before emotions escalate and positions become entrenched.

Creating New, Positive Patterns

Breaking negative patterns is only half the equation. The other half involves intentionally creating positive patterns that serve the relationship. This might mean establishing regular check-ins, creating appreciation rituals, or developing new ways of handling stress together.

For families, positive patterns might include weekly family meetings where everyone shares highlights and challenges, or daily gratitude practices where family members acknowledge each other's contributions. In work relationships, it could involve regular one-on-ones focused on support and problem-solving, or team rituals that celebrate achievements and address challenges proactively.

Addressing Deeper Roots

Sometimes patterns persist because they're rooted in deeper experiences or triggers. If someone's need for control stems from childhood experiences of chaos, or if conflict avoidance comes from past trauma, these underlying issues may need individual attention alongside relationship work.

This doesn't mean you need to become therapists for each other, but rather that you can approach patterns with compassion and understanding whilst still maintaining healthy boundaries about what you can and cannot provide for each other.

The Ripple Effect of Pattern Change

When you successfully change one relationship pattern, it often creates positive changes throughout the relationship and even in other relationships. Learning to interrupt defensive patterns with your teenager might improve how you handle conflict with your partner. Developing better communication patterns with one colleague might enhance your leadership skills with your entire team.

Remember, changing patterns takes time and patience. Expect setbacks, celebrate small victories, and focus on progress rather than perfection.

Are you ready to break free from destructive relationship patterns? SM Advisory specialises in helping individuals and families identify and transform the patterns that keep them stuck. Our proven approach can help you create new, positive dynamics that strengthen all your relationships. Contact us today to begin your pattern transformation journey.