Moving - physically and emotionally

Moving an elderly parent into a new living environment care while they have a wish to remain in their home is one of the most painful challenges of this life phase.

The logic to avoid the risk of significant injury and unnecessary suffering decision may seem simple, along with the challenges of maintenance and self care, but it does not negate the distress of those making the judgment. Especially so if the home being left has significance for all involved.

This represents one of the last shifts of responsibility and authority in the parent-child relationship. With time and growth from birth, parent and child become more equal with little need or desire for one to exercise authority over the other but as the parent ages and becomes more vulnerable the child takes this role and begins to make decisions on behalf of their parent.

While the decision for the parent to ‘leave home’ may not be the first big decision the responsible child has made, it can produce significant fear in the older person and guilt in the child. Both know this change may result in significant mental and physical changes.

The decision may also reveal and reinvigorate fractures which have been managed by physical distance between both parents and children, and between the siblings thenselves. Where one child has taken the burden of responsibility for care, their siblings may either decide to take charge and disenfranchise or abnegate responsibility and then blame for choices made. The older person may also accuse their child of trying to ‘get rid of them’ or beg not to be relocated. Such fractures often reflect unresolved past relationship difficulties which return at this time.

The most protective action is to address past hurts, misunderstandings, and grievances before a crisis arises, so all family members are fully aware and accepting of the proper authority they should exercise with support from those around them.The challenge is how to move past the past - sometimes it requires bringing in a trusted third party to assist in navigating the path.