As a police supervisor, I tried not to get directly involved in 'street negotiations' with people in crisis, but observed, strategised and was ready to assist if needed.
Often I saw that situations could get beyond a peaceful recovery in the space of a few breaths as either side entered into a conflict spiral. Progress could be being made, then movement stopped, things go backwards and it all collapses.
I would remind myself that the person 'driving' the spiral (and it could be from either side) could be doing it as a performance - either knowingly or unconsciously.
How to de-escalate? It's might help to think about these three things, and use them in a consistent manner.
Our negotiator training emphasised not to rush into a solution. Rather, it emphasised Asking Questions. Be curious and focus on ensuring a thoughtful engagement. Don't stop at one question - keep going to three, four, five etc. Ideally you want the other person to stop and think - thus breaking their spiral.
Next - Make a Statement. Often a good place to start is an 'I' statement (“I don’t see this the same way you do.”). Now stop and assess their response - you might have to go back to asking questions to ensure that you understand what they are trying to communicate.
Finally - you need to Predict the Consequences. In crisis negotiations when I was working with a tactical team, it was often 'If we don't work out a solution, the team in black will be coming through the door with guns - and neither of us wants that'. Be honest about what you think will happen, and importantly, carry it out. If you predict 'Should you continue to yell like that I will have to leave', then you must carry through if the behaviour does not change.
Following these steps may not instantly result in a solution - but what you are doing it stopping things for getting worse, enabling everyone to move towards a positive outcome.
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