The purpose of an apology is not to justify yourself. It is not what you want to say. It is about what the listener needs to hear.
The purposeful apology is often an act of performance today. It occurs because the perceived victim, or the oppressed group, demands some form of remorse from the more perceived or actual powerful party. The purposeful apology assists in balancing the needs of all those involved.
There are five steps to an effective apology.
Recognition: Today, a mistake or misadventure can escalate in minutes resulting in people forming an opinion without hearing from you. Too early and you may not have all the facts and be forced into another apology. Too late, and opinions will already have hardened. You will probably only know the right time in hindsight, but discussing with a trusted advisor is a good first step.
Regret: Keep it simple - say "I am sorry". The expression of regret should be concise, direct, thoughtful and in your own language. Remember that forgiveness is given, not demanded so expecting it from someone who have wronged will not be useful. People will remember your tone and genuiness rather than your words.
Responsibility: Don't deflect of blame others. How often have your heard versions of “I am sorry if any of you felt offended by my actions.”or “I was having a bad day, so that explains why I did what I did.” Own what you (or your organisation) has done.
Remedy: The modern, purposeful apology demands a remedy. Be SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely) in how you are going to stop whatever happened occurring again.
Realignment: You need to show that you (or your organisation) is going to change. Include the person or group that has been wronged in the discussion of 'becoming better'. Potential things to say are “I am asking you to hold me accountable for the message I delivered today. If you feel I have not met my commitments, let me know how I can address your concerns.”
Accept that you (and your organisation) will make errors. The purposeful apology is the first step on moving your culture in a direction where they can be seen as something that will strengthen rather than harm.
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